Confession: I’m a Sinner, Still

Last Updated on February 15, 2024 by Stacy Averette

Sometimes I’m your biggest cheerleader and sometimes I’m jealous of you.

Sometimes I only want to please God and sometimes I only want to please people.

Sometimes I’m a hard worker and sometimes I’m lazy.

Sometimes I’m a person of great faith and sometimes I’m consumed by fear and all the “what ifs”.

Sometimes I forgive and sometimes I hold a grudge for years.

Sometimes I’m loving and kind and sometimes I’m bitter and hateful.

Sometimes I’m full of grace and sometimes I’m critical and judgmental.

Sometimes I practice moderation and sometimes I excel in excess.

Sometimes I go to church because I really want to be there and sometimes I only go out of habit or don’t show up at all.

Sometimes I love my life (most of the time) and sometimes I’m disappointed that a few things haven’t turned out quite like I’d hoped they would.

If you’re disappointed by anything I’ve said, I have to tell you that there’s a whole lot more to my story that only God and maybe 2 other people know about. Furthermore, I’ve been accused of a lot of things I didn’t do. I’m not counting those. *shrug*

I’m a Sinner, Still

This is my “I’m not a perfect Christian” confession and let me tell you that no one has tried harder than me to be “the perfect Christian”. At least I think so.

I never really thought I could be perfectly-perfect or that you thought I might be imperfectly perfect. A few people think I’m perfectly imperfect. I’m not sure what to think about me.

But the truth is, I thought by now I’d be a better Christian—at least in the ballpark of perfect, maybe. For sure I thought I’d be better at trying to be a better Christian. Really, I’m just better at making you think I’m better than I am. Over the years, as a faithful church-goer, I’ve learned how to tuck in my sin nicely out of sight and talk about Bible study and my prayer life and pinky swear to never talk about my sin or yours.

God is not obligated to honor pinky swears and as such has yanked my little security blanket of self-sufficiency and I’m standing before Him empty-handed once again. He likes it that way. Me needy, helpless, dependent, leaning on Jesus, weak but strong.

That’s how I first came to Him years ago as a young girl, hearing the Gospel that one time out of a thousand times and realizing it was for me. Realizing that He was for me. I didn’t do much else that day that really mattered as much as taking hold of the nail-scarred hand that was reaching for me. Walking with Jesus was the only thing I needed to do and it worked splendidly for a long time. Then I got smarter and too big for my sinner-saved-by-grace britches and decided that I’d start working harder at being a better Christian. And you know, it takes two hands to work hard which meant I wasn’t walking hand-in-hand with him anymore. I guess I thought He needed both His hands to clap for me and all the good I was doing for Him. *sigh*

And then I got tired and overwhelmed and disappointed and discouraged and when I cried out to him for help He was right there, waiting for me. I spent a while crying and whining about how hard life is and He said, “I know. I told you it would be.” I remembered that He had said that. And then I remembered that He’d made a promise to always be with me. He’s kept His promise.

The reason I was so tired and overwhelmed and disappointed and discouraged and whiney was because I was trying to do His job, not mine. My job is to walk with Him, hand in hand, listening to His voice, (which requires slowing down and being quiet enough often enough to actually hear Him whisper). Being too busy trying hard to be a better Christian or busy trying to make you think I’m better than I am is exhausting. You know I’m right.

So I’ve given up trying to make myself be a good Christian. That’s God’s job anyway. Or at least that’s what I read in the Bible. God saved me (something I couldn’t do for myself) and He will sanctify me (something else I can’t do for myself). As a matter of fact, it’s not even in me to want to be saved and sanctified unless He gives me the “want to”. And I want to, thanks to Him.

Here’s the funny thing: Once I gave up trying so hard to be a better Christian and decided to use both my hands holding on to Him like I did that day as a helpless little girl, things began to change. I began to change. I hadn’t noticed that I was getting better but for a brief moment He allowed me to catch a glimpse of myself with Him and that’s when I saw it—me starting to look more like Him. It’s me exchanging my white-knuckle good works for the righteousness of Christ.

And here’s another funny thing: I don’t do a lot of things I used to do when I was trying so hard to be a good Christian. I asked Jesus if I could quit some of my good works and He said, “I never asked you to do some of those things in the first place. You decided all on your own. I’m not mad about it and a lot of good has come from it but if you want to quit I won’t be mad about it either. You could really use the rest.”

Sometimes it crosses my mind that some people might not think I’m a good Christian anymore. Jesus said I could stop worrying about that because it takes two hands (and more if I had them) to keep some people happy and I’m better off just holding on to Him. I have to say that’s working out pretty well.

You know while I’ve been holding onto Jesus with both hands, I’ve seen more of the cold-hard truth about myself again: I’m a sinner, still. That realization compelled me to reach out and take hold of Him way back when and not much has changed except now I’m a sinner walking hand in hand with Jesus. Life is hard. Period. But it’s a whole lot easier to walk through this hard life as a sinner with Jesus.

I could go on but I’ve said enough.

Well, there’s one more thing I need to say.

God knows the truth about me (and you) and He loves us anyway. He really, really loves us.

Come to me all you who are weary and are heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28